I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
