Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
