Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
