I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
