I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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