i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
