its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
