No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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