I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
