Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
