Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
