I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
