wanna go halves on a baby?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
