Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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