i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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