I haven't been this sober since birth.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
