I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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