Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
