I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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