phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
