haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
