just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
