Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
two words: eviction party
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize