Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
