i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
