Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
