I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize