And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
