I can tuck mytits in my pants
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
