every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
What drink are we having for lunch?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
