I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
