I just saw a hot homeless man
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
