I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
