Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
