shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
