Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize