i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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