I showed him my bush... on skype.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
