I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
