I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
