I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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