I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
