i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
