I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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