I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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