Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
