update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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