The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The police scanner is talking about you again....
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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