This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
farters have to be the big spoon...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
