i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
