The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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