So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
