My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
