i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
