Please, let me fuck your mom
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
