Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
