the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
