this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
