I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize