i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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