sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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