I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
