I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
