How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize