White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
