You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
